Post: July 15th, 2014
I feel bad for having nice things…
When I was younger all I ever thought about was how rich I wanted to be when I got older. I think it is what motivated me to get straight A’s in school, always strive for perfect attendance, make honor roll every year, be an all-star in various sports, and pretty much become a perfectionist at everything I did. I know there are other reasons why I excelled in those areas too however we will discuss those at a later time.
I wouldn’t say I grew up in a poor area but I definitely didn’t grow up rich. Growing up, I was always surrounded by a bunch of kids who in my mind had everything. I wanted soooo much to be like them and have the things that they had. I always felt like an outsider looking in, striving for something which I did not have. I didn’t want to be looked at as that poor little girl from the ghetto. I wanted so much just to fit in. I also didn’t want to hear family fight about money anymore. I felt as if that was all I ever heard screaming about. In fact, I didn’t want money to EVER be an issue in my life, whatsoever. Not if I had anything to say about it. Thus I made it my mission, to become rich.
At first, my idea of “rich” was being able to have a decent car (I’d say a Jetta or something like that), and an apartment in a nice area (maybe a two bedroom apartment in Burbank), and one Louis Vuitton purse (I’ve always had an infatuation with Louis Vuitton purses). In my head, that was ballin.
Well, I accomplished that goal pretty quickly, right after college. However, as you probably know by now, once you meet one expectation or as you grow up you realize that there is A LOT more in this world than what you once thought. As my career grew, my “wants” grew also. Suddenly, my Jetta and small apartment in Burbank wasn’t enough. I had bigger and better goals, financially wise that was. I wanted a nicer car, a bigger house, and more Louis Vuitton purses (Side note, no matter which way this story ends up going, I will ALWAYS have an infatuation and love for LV).
After many years of hard work, I was suddenly thrown into this world surrounded by people who didn’t know anything different. They didn’t know how it felt to want all those things because they had had them all their lives. It was just so normal to them to be able to drive around in BMW’s and shop at Louis Vuitton. Although I was equivalent to them career-wise, I didn’t feel so equivalent to them on the inside.
There is something about growing up in an area where social issues like gangs, drug abuse, teen pregnancies, alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, molestation, and poverty are so prevalent, that will ground you forever. No matter how far you move away or how successful you become, those memories are always in the back of your head. They also confuse the shit out of you.
How am I living in the world that I am now, having gone through all the things in which I have gone through? Why did God place ME here amongst all these people who will never understand or even have an inkling of knowledge of how the real world lives? Why am I exactly here again? At times, I feel as if I live in the Twilight Zone (Does that place really exist anyway?).
Sometimes, when I’m out at really nice events with really fancy people and fancy things, I zone out. I see all my surroundings as if I were looking through a glass wall trying to peak in. Yet, I’m not behind a glass wall whatsoever and I’m definitely not peaking in. I’m very much a present, part of it all.
Needless to say, becoming “rich” (monetarily) is not a main goal of mine anymore. In fact, I actually feel really bad for all the nice things I do have. God has blessed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I have more than I ever needed and I’ve experienced more than most will ever experience in their life time. I see how great my life is and I recognize that I do live a damn good life.
However if I’m being honest, I do feel bad on the daily for everything I’ve been given. I feel bad for those who have less than me. I feel bad to the point that I would never want to do anything to make them feel bad including showing up with nicer things than they have or flaunting anything extra around them. And even though I may want a SUPER NICE car (A Black Range) or a SUPER NICE house (with a pool) or some more Louis Vuitton purses (specifically luggage), I don’t buy them. I understand that material things don’t go very far in life. Sure I LOVE Louis Vuitton, and one day I may even get my black Range Rover or house with a pool, however I know that’s not what being “rich” really is. Now that I can, I don’t. It’s actually quite ironic that the one thing I once wanted so bad, suddenly isn’t so important to me anymore.
The true definition now (to me) of being “rich”, is becoming a person filled with love, hope, passion, goodness, kindness, humbleness, caring, and most importantly filled with God. Only then will you ever truly feel fulfilled in life. I’m striving towards all those goals now.
I’m sure I will still feel bad whenever nice things are given to me. I will never be able to fully accept a gift without feeling bad inside knowing I don’t really need anything else and I will still find it hard to spend money on nice things even if I really want them. However, I have found what truly makes me happy.
For me, giving makes me happy. I truly find happiness in giving to the church and giving to others. I like seeing other people happy. It’s what makes me happy at the end of the day. Maybe, one day I will get over feeling bad about having nice things enough to finally go buy that really nice Louis Vuitton wallet I’ve been wanting for years now. However, until then, I’m ok just window shopping
Till next time….
P.S. Maybe I shouldn’t write these blogs RIGHT after going to my therapy session. They end up being too long lol