Post: August 19th, 2014
Sometimes I get really sad. Like extremely sad. I don’t really know what causes these moments of sadness but they happen from time to time. You see, I’ve been battling depression ever since my brothers were murdered 11 years ago. What people don’t know about depression is that usually people who are depressed are the ones you would least expect to be depressed. We are good at putting on a happy face. We probably seem like we have it all together most of the time and we are usually in a good mood, on the surface anyway. You see, most people who are depressed became depressed for a good reason, which resulted in us probably being some of the strongest people you know at the same time. We have been through a lot in our lives and have learned how to put a smile on our face and know when and how to move on with our day. However, that doesn’t mean that we don’t still feel those deep, dark feelings, we are just good at covering them up.
There are different levels of depression and different ways to deal with depression. Some people who are depressed are only like that at times. Some are like that always. And some have good days and bad days. Some like to talk about their feelings and some do not. I am one who does not like to talk about their feelings. I don’t call up a friend when I’m feeling sad. I actually don’t let anyone know. I usually just deal with it on my own. I will retreat to my room and maybe sleep all day. Or choose not to go anywhere. Or maybe I won’t talk to anyone. Sometimes I run at the bay to clear my mind. Most people would never even know anything was wrong with me, even those closest to me. For example, I currently have three people sitting in my living room and I’m sure they have no clue. Some people deal with their depression with medication and things like that. I have chosen not too. I believe that the only way to truly fix or try to fix your inner struggles is to deal with them holistically and with God. Medication only masks the pain, it doesn’t fix it. I try to stay away from medication whenever possible.
I’m also an Empath. If you don’t know what that is, google it. If it sounds crazy to you, then you probably aren’t one. And if you aren’t one, please don’t judge those who are. If you can relate to it, then maybe you are one too. I don’t tell many people about being an Empath because let’s be honest, it does sound kind of crazy. In fact, before this blog, I had only told 4 people about it. However, if you are like me, and have felt it, please know that you aren’t crazy. I’m right there with you. People say being an Empath is a gift; however I haven’t experienced it being a gift just yet. I’m still trying to figure out how to control it and hopefully one day I will get to experience it as a gift and reap all the benefits that being an Empath has to offer. However, right now, it’s just a burden. The reason why I’m telling you this is because I think that sometimes my sadness comes from this so-called “gift.”
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago to deal with these bouts of sadness and other feelings I have. However, even talking to a therapist is hard for me. Like I said before, I don’t like to talk about my feelings to anyone. I’m good at shutting people out. It’s become almost second nature to me. I learned to do it a long time ago. I’m very independent and have learned to deal with everything on my own. But as I grow older I do know that it is important to address these issues in order to grow into a healthy human being. So that’s what I’m trying to do and that’s why I started going to therapy. She is a holistic therapist and is teaching me various meditation techniques and things like that to try to get a better grip on all this.
Anyway, today was one of those days where I just felt sad all day. There wasn’t one thing that set me off; it’s just an unexplainable feeling. I’ve read that usually Sundays and Mondays are the toughest for Empaths. (If you want to learn more, here’s a link to a good article on “Traits of an Empath.” http://theknowing1.wordpress.com/traits-of-an-empath/ I personally have every single one of these traits on this list.) I slept a lot today, my back was KILLING me, and I just wanted to be alone. On days like this, when I lie in bed crying over really nothing, I usually will pull out my phone and watch today’s “Miles A Minute” video from Pastor Miles McPherson’s app. He’s the pastor at the Rock Church here in San Diego and I absolutely love his videos. I feel as if they are always speaking to me directly on any given day.
However, although they are a GREAT help, sometimes I need something more. Tonight as I was just putting down my phone after watching two of his videos, and was bawling, I got a text message from an old friend. I haven’t talked to this friend in at least 6 months, maybe even a year. The text read, “Hi friend. Are you doing ok?” It was as if she had a camera in my room and could see what I needed just at that moment. Or maybe it was God who had her send that message to me. Either way, she was EXACTLY what I needed. I personally think she’s an Empath too; however we’ve never discussed any of that. We went back and forth a bit via text and I opened up to her a little bit about what I was going through. And even though I’m probably telling you more than I told her (because remember, I don’t tell people much) our conversation was just what I needed to stop crying and open up my laptop to write this blog.
My friend is such a beautiful soul. She is just one of those people who just “knows” when you need her no matter how long you haven’t spoken to each other. She is always so positive and encouraging and is big on “energy” which I am too. I jokingly asked her tonight if she was psychic and she responded with, “Just running on energy.” Some people may think our whole “energy” thing is crazy but I’m a HUGE believer in positive/negative energy type stuff. I feed off other people’s positive energy and the negative I try to stay away from. I am thankful God put her in my life. I think we relate to each other on a deeper level because we are the same. Sometimes I just know stuff too. I know when people need me or need something. And even though it’s sometimes overwhelming to deal with it all, when my good friends need me, they know I’m there.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share a bit of my life with you. I had two people yesterday ask me why I hadn’t written any blogs lately. I told both of them that I needed to be inspired to write one. And surprise, surprise today I was inspired. By the way, I don’t write these blogs to get any sympathy or any nice text messages from friends (even though I do appreciate them from you all), I write these blogs because I know someone out there can relate. And maybe by being able to share my deepest feelings with strangers on the internet (as crazy as that sounds) I will be able to help someone who may be going through the same thing. Oh and to my real life friends, please don’t try to talk to me about any of this, because even though I share here, I’m still the same Geena at the end of the day…and I probably don’t want to talk about any of this with you in person, no offense to anyone, that’s just not how I am. Hopefully one day that will change (hence me going to therapy) but not right now. Oh and I do feel better now after I’ve written this blog, so don’t feel bad. That’s the other half of the reason why I write these blogs. They are very therapeutic